Parenting During the Pandemic
Whether you’re a parent of one or multiple children, whether you have toddlers, teenagers, or any age in between, it’s likely this is a difficult time. Many of you are working, parenting, and teaching - three jobs that typically don’t coexist in the same space. First, let’s acknowledge that there’s no established rulebook for times like these. We were all thrust into these circumstances and roles before we were fully prepared, and we’re learning and figuring things out as we go. I hope the following tips are helpful for approaching this unique parenting challenge with as much grace and effectiveness as possible.
Validate your child’s emotions and help them cope
It’s okay to acknowledge that this is a scary and uncertain time for lots of people, including parents. Your children may also be grieving the loss of extracurricular activities, time with friends, and important milestones (e.g., attending prom or graduation, birthday parties, and Easter celebrations). Let them know that it’s okay to feel sad, confused, disappointed, and worried. Give them space to talk about these emotions without judgment. Then, model, prompt, and engage in healthy coping strategies with your children. Go for a walk, practice a hobby, guide them through yoga or breathing exercises, or help to challenge and restructure some of their negative thoughts.
Pick your battles
This doesn’t mean that the pandemic is an excuse for misbehavior, rule-breaking, or abandoning all household rules and routines. Rather, while you should continue to maintain meaningful limits and expectations, it will also be necessary to approach this time with flexibility. Maybe you relax your typical social media limits for your teenager, since this is a primary way she is communicating with friends during social distancing. Maybe you have more “pajama days” during the week. As long as essential daily living tasks and responsibilities are completed, we can still consider the day a success overall.
Give developmentally appropriate control when possible
There are so many things that kids can’t control about their current situations. They don’t know when they’ll return to school, when they’ll get to see their friends, if they’ll be able to attend events or vacations as planned -- and to be fair, you don’t know the answers or control these outcomes either. One of the best ways to empower kids during this time is to give them some level of control (within reason) over their daily activities. Offer three snack options and let them pick one. Allow them to select an activity for outdoor play time. If you’re willing to give up some of your control, you’ll likely learn a lot about your children’s preferences, interests, strengths, and creativity during this time.
Model and describe the behavior you want to see
In this time of uncertainty, your children are looking to you for guidance on how to act and react. Practice physical distancing and healthy hand-washing habits yourself so your children will notice and do the same. Tell kids what you want to see versus what you don’t (for example, instead of saying “Stop making a mess!” say “Please clean up your art supplies from the kitchen table”). When your children are upset, be the calm in the center of the storm. By demonstrating your own ability to manage stress and/or frustration, you’ll show your children they can learn to do the same.
Practice compassion and self-compassion
Again, the pandemic doesn’t mean it’s a “free for all” with regards to behavior, but try to consider the emotions your child is likely experiencing and how those feelings can contribute to their behavior. For younger kids especially, it can be hard to verbalize difficult emotions and they will often act out their feelings. When you do have to use consequences, make them logically related to the misbehavior and relatively short-term so that your child has a chance to make a more appropriate behavioral choice sooner rather than later. For example, if your child throws a toy, restrict access to the toy for the remainder of the afternoon but allow them to have that option for play tomorrow. Also, practice self-compassion and kindness - remember there are no rules or guidebooks for these circumstances and you’re doing the best you can to keep your family safe and happy. It might be helpful to end each day with some positive reflection: give your child some genuine praise or positive feedback about things they did well that day, and also give yourself some praise for a lesson learned or challenge managed.
In the end, kids will remember the way they felt during this time more than they remember specific day-to-day routines and activities. Once your family’s physical health and safety are secured, use this time for strengthening emotional connections and well-being. Help your children find and enjoy positive opportunities for personal growth, coping, and (virtual) connection with others. Even after we’re all able to re-engage in our normal activities and routines, our relationships and households will be shaped by our responses to this time together at home.