Self-Compassion: A Pathway to Peace
The Self-Esteem Problem
Work harder, strive more, aim to be the best! We live in a society that regularly sends us such messages. Meanwhile, most of us don’t stop to consider whether our goals and expectations for ourselves are realistic or whether they would even bring us lasting happiness. Nor do we consider the effect this ‘drive to strive’ has on ourselves and the people around us.
Kristin Neff, associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, and a pioneer of research on self-compassion, believes our society’s emphasis on achievement and self-esteem lies at the heart of much needless suffering and can often result in diminished self-esteem and even limit achievement.
From an early age, we are taught to build our self-esteem by competing successfully, yet pinning our worth on competition and comparison is a losing battle. Psychologists have found that most Americans overestimate their own qualities and abilities, in relation to the same qualities and abilities of other people. This belief, known as illusory superiority, helps us ward off painful feelings of inadequacy, but it comes at a price. When our self-esteem rests on the premise of successfully competing against others, we are always precariously teetering on the edge of losing. No one is great at everything, and it is part of the human experience to fall short, even when performing tasks that draw upon one’s areas of competence.
Social comparison and competition also foster disconnection by causing us to view others as obstacles to overcome in order to keep our position, mark our territory, and vanquish potential rivals. Ironically, we feel more separate from others when the primary goal of our desire for success is to belong and to be loved.
It is quite simply impossible to be better than everyone at all times. Yet research shows that when we lose we tend to feel highly self-critical, adding to our misery. Faced with criticism, we become defensive and may feel crushed. Mistakes and failure make us so insecure and anxious that we give up early when faced with future challenges. Down the road this type of competitive self-esteem has been tied to larger societal problems such as loneliness, isolation, and even prejudice.
After observing the pitfalls of self-esteem, Neff went looking for an alternative, a way to set and achieve our goals without beating up ourselves — or anyone else — in the process. Through the study of Buddhism, she found it in the form of self-compassion. With self-compassion, you value yourself not because you’ve judged yourself positively and others negatively but because you’re intrinsically deserving of care and concern like everyone else. Where self-esteem leaves us powerless and distraught, self-compassion is at the heart of empowerment, learning, and inner strength
3 Steps of Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is not self-pity or self indulgence; rather it is offering the same compassion and kindness we extend to others to ourselves. Just as when we offer compassion to others, the first step towards self-compassion is noticing suffering. Without the need to exaggerate or minimize, we acknowledge that we are in pain. I have a personal mantra, “This is a moment of suffering. How can I be kind to myself?”. This reminds me that suffering, like all states, is temporary. It also prompts me to engage in the second step of self-compassion, responding to the pain.
In the second step, we offer comfort and take action. Rather than criticizing and judging ourselves for various shortcomings or mistakes, practicing self-compassion means we offer ourselves kindness and understanding. We take into consideration the factors within ourselves and outside of ourselves that contributed to the outcome. When based in reality, this is not making excuses, but deepening self-understanding and allowing room for growth. Sensitively responding to our pain can look a million different ways. Personally, I’m a fan of being vulnerable and sharing my mistake with a trusted friend or my partner, getting outside in nature, looking at funny cat videos, or practicing yoga. Your go-to actions might look completely different. What is important is that you get in touch with yourself and identify ways to give yourself comfort.
Thirdly, as opposed to pity, compassion and self-compassion require you to recognize that failure, suffering, and imperfection are part of the human experience. No matter how hard we strive, how much money we make, how accomplished we are, we cannot inoculate ourselves from mistakes and pain. So instead of avoiding or compounding suffering, let’s find ways through it.
Practices for Boosting Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is a fundamental shift in the way in which we relate to ourselves. Ideally, it is practiced every day, every moment. However, when learning to be more self-compassionate, or when you experience a particularly intense bout of self-criticism, the following practices may come in handy:
1) Write yourself a letter: Take the perspective of being a compassionate friend, so you can imagine that you are this other person. Ask yourself, “What would a compassionate and kind friend say to me right now? What would his or her words be?” Later, come back and read the letter, and receive it from yourself.
2) Write down your Self-talk: If you are self-criticizing because your jeans don’t fit or you said the wrong thing in a situation, write down the self-critical words that come to mind, and then ask if you would ever say these words to a friend. What would a friend say?
3) Comfort your body: Eat something healthy. Lie down and rest your body. Massage your own neck, feet, or hands. Take a walk. Nurturing your body is an act of self-compassion.
4) Develop a self-Compassion mantra: Create something that is easily memorized, so that when something difficult happens you can go to your phrases. These are not positive affirmations but reminders. “This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment; may I give myself the compassion that I need.”
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