Creating Goals in Anxiety-Provoking Situations
When you experience anticipatory anxiety about an upcoming situation, you might end up avoiding the situation altogether or doing a safety behavior. Safety behaviors are overt or covert acts intended to prevent a feared outcome or to minimize possible consequences. For example, if someone is fearful their plane might crash, they might decide to drive instead avoiding the situation altogether. Or they might fly, but constantly monitor the weather, ask loved ones reassurance questions throughout the flight, and/or drink alcohol to take the edge off.
While these strategies might feel like they are helping in the short-term, they unfortunately end up reinforcing the idea that the situation is dangerous and safety behaviors are absolutely necessary. We fall into the trap of thinking we are controlling the situation with our safety behaviors and determine our behaviors successful when negative consequences do not occur.
Rather than using safety behaviors to get you through anxiety-provoking situations, I would suggest the alternative of creating measurable goals. Measurable goals are realistic and actionable. The goal of keeping the plane from crashing is not realistically in the rider’s control and their actions (safety behaviors) do not determine the outcome. Measurable goals are something you have control over. In this case, a measurable goal would be that I will walk onto an airplane and sit on it for several hours. That I can control. What I can’t control is what the weather will be, how bumpy the ride will be, if we will land on time, or if we will have a mechanical issue. We have to practice acceptance of the risks in the situation and tolerance of the discomfort we might feel when we can’t control the outcome.
Another situation could be someone who experiences social anxiety and is very worried about what others will think about them. Their urge might be to avoid social situations altogether or complete safety behaviors during the situation. If someone is hosting a dinner party, their safety behaviors might be to only talk to people they know well, ask people whether they are having a good time, apologize profusely, and/or replay conversations afterwards to determine whether people had a good time. In the moment, this might make them feel better, but ultimately, they still are not able to control how others think and feel. Rather than focusing on making everyone happy, a measurable goal would be to serve their guests food, introduce guests to each other, or talk to someone they don’t know very well. These are actionable and in our control. Although we might feel anxious because we cannot guarantee that everyone is having a good time, we can learn to accept it is not a realistic and achievable goal.
So before entering an anxiety-provoking situation, consider what safety behaviors you would usually try to use, and then shift to creating more measurable goals. Two to three specific goals is usually plenty. Consider what is realistic and what you actually have control over. Rather than focusing on trying to control the outcome, aim to accept what you can and cannot control.
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