The Path to Self Compassion: Nurturing Kindness in a Complex World
Life is difficult and multi-faceted. It comes with exciting opportunities and devastating circumstances that can make us question our abilities, worthiness, and values in life. We experience rejection and failure as well as success and connection and are constantly adapting to new circumstances. One way to stay centered throughout life’s ups and downs is by practicing self-compassion. Maybe you’ve heard people in your life tell you, “You need to be easier on yourself,” or, “Give yourself some grace.” Despite these well-meaning statements, sometimes it can be difficult to know what it means to be self-compassionate and how a lack of self-compassion can show up in our daily lives and have a negative impact on our well-being. According to the leading researcher on self-compassion, Dr. Kristin Neff, there are three main components of self-compassion to be aware of: Self -Kindness vs Self-Judgement, Common Humanity vs Isolation, and Mindfulness vs Over-Identification.
Self-Kindness vs Self-Judgement
Most people know what self-judgment sounds like without an example, but this can look like labeling ourselves as incompetent and undeserving. We may spend time ruminating on our flaws, imperfections, and feelings of inadequacy. We might feel that we’re not strong enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough to be loved, accepted, or valued by others.
This self-judgment may show up in more subtle ways as well; it might look like avoiding pursuing new relationships or opportunities because we have already assumed and told ourselves we are not able to do it. It might be responding to the physical sensations of anxiety rising in your body by telling yourself, “I shouldn’t feel this way. It’s stupid to feel nervous about this.” It ranges from these quick, fast judgments we may not be aware of to longer sessions of rumination with the result typically being unpleasant emotions or damaged self-esteem.
Self-judgment may feel like a natural habit for some, however, there is an option to learn how to treat ourselves with kindness. Self-kindness is a skill that is best developed over time as it is difficult to transition from negative self-talk to compassionate self-talk overnight. Being kind to ourselves involves speaking to ourselves in a warm, gentle manner rather than harsh and cold. It means that when we are suffering, we respond to ourselves in ways that are uplifting and supportive rather than attacking ourselves with criticism. For example, when experiencing a depressive episode, it could be reminding yourself that depression is difficult to cope with and makes life feel unmanageable, and it’s okay to need and accept support from others. It is okay if the only accomplishment of the day was simply taking a shower or eating a meal. It is self-compassionate to recognize our wins when we are struggling even if others may view it as an expected baseline. When we practice self-compassion over self-judgment, it creates a sense of safety within ourselves which allows us to have a better mindset for coping with life challenges. If being kind to yourself is something you find difficult, it can be helpful to ask yourself how someone who you love and trust would speak to you in a moment of difficulty and practice speaking to yourself in a similar manner.
Common Humanity vs Isolation
Another key component of self-compassion is Common Humanity vs Isolation. When experiencing difficult circumstances in life, it is not uncommon to believe that you are the only person who feels this pain or that there is something defective about you that is making you suffer while others are not. When in reality, it is part of the human condition to suffer, fear social rejection, or have moments of feeling inadequate. When we believe that it is only us experiencing these unpleasant emotions, it creates self-isolation. Every human has flaws, and nobody is able to handle every situation with perfection and ease. When we recognize that this is true for everyone, it can decrease our sense of shame and self-blame when we make mistakes or act in ways we find embarrassing in hindsight. Not every human suffers in the same way and the circumstances in which we feel pain can widely differ, however, it is still part of our nature to feel discomfort and pain. When we can recognize that pain is part of life and not something that separates us from others, we can harness it for a deeper connection with our support systems and communities.
Mindfulness Vs. Over-Identification
Mindfulness is an important part of self-compassion. Mindfulness is when we are aware of the present moment without attachment or self-judgment. This intertwines with self-compassion and helps us avoid falling into traps of self-pity or over-identification with our suffering. For example, when experiencing a depressive episode, it may be easy to tell yourself, “I always feel this way no matter what, so there is no point in trying to do anything different for myself because it doesn’t help.” If we over-identify with this thought, it could spiral us further into unhealthy coping strategies such as laying in bed all day and ignoring messages from friends and family. However, if we can find it within ourselves to be mindful of the present moment, we can shift our thoughts towards ones that are more balanced. This could look like validating that we are struggling in our current state, that we are having thoughts that our pain will last forever and never change, however, we do have moments of relief (even if they are briefer than we wish). When we can create perspective on our issues, it can create room for a different response toward our suffering rather than getting caught in a cycle of negative reactivity.
It’s important to remember that when we have spent the majority of our lives being critical of ourselves, learning to be self-compassionate can feel challenging. Below are some tips for increasing self-compassion:
Set aside time in your day to check in with yourself and how you are feeling
When experiencing difficult emotions, imagine that you are comforting the child version of yourself
Practice noticing your inner critic and reframing its message to one that is more supportive
Give yourself credit for small achievements throughout your day
References
Neff, K. (2010). Review of The mindful path to self-compassion: Freeing yourself from destructive thoughts and emotions. British Journal of Psychology, 101, 179-181.
Neff, K. D. & Germer, C. (2017). Self-Compassion and Psychological Wellbeing. In J. Doty (Ed.) Oxford Handbook of Compassion Science, Ch. 27. Oxford University Press.
Shapira, L. B., & Mongrain, M. (2010). The benefits of self-compassion and optimism exercises for individuals vulnerable to depression. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 5(5), 377-389.
If this resonates with you, reach out to Brittany Fuller.